18. Instruction

Chapter Synopsis

(Spider Monkey would like to preface this by pointing out that she always seems to get stuck with the ridiculously long chapters. Ugh. Here goes.)

The party is (finally) over, and Edward is taking Bella home. Even though she’s been reassured by all members of the Cullen family that everything will be fine, Bella is worried. She doesn’t want the Cullens or werewolves to fight and put themselves in danger on her behalf. She tells Edward that she’s coming with him later for the “training” session, and he doesn’t try very hard to argue with her, knowing how stubborn and dumb she is.

They end up back in Bella’s room, where Edward tries to convince her that destroying the newbie vamps will be easy. Bella pretty much ignores him and freaks out in her head about her friends (namely Jacob and his brothers) getting hurt. Funny, because she never cared about hurting Jake by leading him on before.

Finally, it’s time for the training. Bella climbs onto Eddie’s back, and he scurries off into the night. They end up back in the baseball clearing, and Bella is reminded of another hunt for her blood. She comes up with another theory — maybe everything is related; maybe Victoria is behind this new kerfuffle. Edward isn’t sure, but admits that it would suit Vicky’s personality. Bella and Edward meet up with the rest of the Cullens just a few minutes before the wolves show up. Alice isn’t looking so confident anymore, because she can no longer see what’s going to happen next. This irks her.

The wolf pack shows up — in wolf form, because they don’t trust themselves to be around the bloodsuckers as shirtless Indians — and Bella and the Cullens are astounded to see that the pack has grown in numbers. There are 10 of them now. Gee willikers. Eddie-kins uses his mind powers to translate for the wolves, who say they’ll do no more than watch. Carlizzle says that’s fine and dandy, and gives Jasper the go-ahead to do his thing.

What follows is actually very boring. Jasper explains that the newborns will be strong, but stupid. He then play-fights with all of his siblings, “showing” techniques that will be useful in the upcoming battle. Somehow, SMeyer manages to use A LOT of description without actually describing anything. Since we’re seeing everything from Bella’s painfully mortal point of view, the training is just a blur of swift veggiepires, and Bella is both astounded and confused. We “watch” Jasper and Alice play-fight, which consists of nothing more than Alice taking a quick little step here and there to avoid Jasper’s attack. Booorrrrinnnnggg.

Bella is considering just giving herself up to the newbie army, but Alice warns her not to even think about it anymore; the Cullens would fight anyway. More practice ensues — Eddie even takes on Jasper in a play of speed and strength that we can’t even imagine simply because SMeyer can’t write worth shit.

At the end of the training session, Jasper invites the wolves to come for another session the following night, and they agree to be there to watch. Bella, by this point, is feeling especially sleep-deprived and on the verge of passing out. But she perks up when the werewolves ask to take a whiff of each of the Cullens (and Bella) in order to better learn their scents (you know, so there are no accidents during the battle).

Bella comes face-to-face with wolf-Jake for the second time, and it’s weird. He “smiles” at her, she pets him, and then he licks her. … She giggles. … WTF? Bella notices that nobody seems excited about this — Edward especially looks disappointed that she’s so comfortable with a giant wolf slobbering all over her face. Before Eddie-kins takes Bella home, Jacob runs off into the woods to turn back into a real boy so he can talk to Bella without needing Ed to translate.

Jacob and Edward begin (or, rather, continue) discussing the best place to keep Bella during the battle. Hiding her at La Push is too risky, especially since her scent is “everywhere,” according to Edward. He’s not taking chances (drat). And Edward can’t even run her somewhere, because their nifty scents combined would be way too easy to follow. But then the lightbulb goes off. Jacob has the bright idea that perhaps Bella’s scent could be covered up if HE carries her, since he smells so repulsive to the vampires. Bella reluctantly agrees to let Jake carry her off into the woods to test this theory. He enjoys it a little too much, but it works — the trail is sufficiently covered up.

As they’re all celebrating, Jasper offers another solution — one that we’re extremely fond of. Jasper, being the military “expert” that he is, says that, if Bella was actually present AT the battle, it would drive the newborns insane and make them easy pickin’s. No one else thinks this is a good idea. (Poor Jasper – WE think you’re a genius!)

Finally a plan is fleshed out — Jacob will carry Bella far away, and Seth Clearwater (who is a newly-turned werewolf) will be left to guard her while the battle rages. Huzzah for mythical creature cooperation. We really wish we cared.

Best Worst Lines

“They were just oversized, over-muscled children, and they looked forward to this like it was a picnic on the beach.”

“I shuddered at the ferocious longing in his voice, and clenched his fingers more tightly with mine, wishing I was strong enough to lock our hands together permanently.”

“Alice came to take his place beside me. ‘Cool, huh?’ she asked me smugly.

‘Very,’ I agreed, not looking away from Edward as he glided noiselessly toward Jasper, his movements lithe and watchful as a jungle cat.”

“And then there was Edward, on edge and clearly disappointed. I realized he’d been hoping for a different reaction from me. Like screaming and running away in terror.”

Things That Really Irk Us

Bella being soooo worried about everyone and everything is not believable at all. Her character is selfish, and therefore incapable of thinking this way about those around her. It doesn’t fit, SMeyer. Bella is not a character we can (or care to) empathize with.

The “training.” God, it’s terrible. Like everything that could be mildly entertaining in these books, this falls waaay short. Somehow, there’s so much description, but we don’t actually get any sort of mental picture from it. We are baffled at how this is possible.

Jasper is suddenly a real, contributing character now? Whaaaat? This is just weird.

Jacob licking Bella. Grossss.

Are Jake and Edward ever going to actually fight over Bella? Come on. Maybe that would actually be a decent fight.

Final Thoughts

Uggghhhh. What a waste of time. And there’s going to be more of this “training?” What more can possibly be said about it? Seriously. Is this supposed to be the beginning of a real plot in this book? Hrmm. It’s not workin’ for us. It’s like SMeyer just took all the random-ass ideas that were floating around in her head, had her Mormon children draw crayon representations of each one, and then threw a handful of darts to decide which ones she’d include in her “plot.” But, in the end, she just decided to use all of them, and then not hang any of her kids’ pictures on the fridge. Bitch.

Go to Chapter 19.

15 Responses to “18. Instruction”

  1. […] Read Chapter 18 now! […]

  2. Whoohoo! Damn, I was hoping for some more synopsis during the Holiday 😦 Thanks for this one guys. Keep it up, I love this site!

  3. Okay, so I read the training scene just to see how bad it was (have it on pdf on my laptop so I could tell people I’m trying my best to read it. I’m still trying. Haven’t gotten past half the first book.)

    And I was trying my best to imagine it. The one with Emmett and Jasper was meh – I mean, I could imagine it a tad. The one with Alice can be imagined, but… was that really supposed to be a fight? It probably can look cool with decent effects (my brain did it’s best to make it look cool), but *shrug*. The one with Edward was just a WTH moment. Would it kill her to say that Edward punched left, jasper dodged and stuff? Sheesh.

    I thought the wolf lick was kinda cute (still reading), if he was a real dog. >>. The fact that it was JACOB LICKING BELLA’s face irked me. I mean, I don’t think I want a friend, close to me or not, werewolf or not, to lick my face. I mean… just… that’s gross.

    Jasper’s plan would work. >>. Really. I’ve ran it through my head, and it would work. darn it, dwhether bella dies or not, Jasper’s plan is genius. Unless they’re underestimating the enemy. WTH. It srsly works. Shoulda gone with it.

    Well, I’ll be skipping to the fight stuff to see if there IS going to be a real fight this time >>. Can’t wait to read more! 😀

    • oh, and I found a new thing that annoyed me. I’m all for italics to show emphasis – I use it all the time. But, eclipse has too much. O.o unless it’s my copy, but… heck. O.o

  4. “The wolf pack shows up – in wolf form, because they don’t trust themselves to be around the bloodsuckers as shirtless Indians”.

    I love your style.

    That being said, I absolutely detest Meyer’s. She is beyond untalented. Is it that THAT hard do describe a training fight? Yes, I can see all those words, and all that description… And yet, I have no clue what’s going on.

    Also, it’s painfully obvious she had no plan for this story. That’s something she’s actually proud of- no research, no planning… Just writing. I think she believes it makes her “speshul” or something. But it’s really hard to read something obviously pointless and written without any intent. You can almost see which parts of the novel were written with more ideas and passion (any kissing, the tent scene, marriage proposal, etc). And none of those is important for the story! Which means she plans or really enjoys writing only about “romance”. And it isn’t even a romance, it’s a non particularly decent wet dream!

    Speaking of Jasper, I’m beginning to like the guy. After all, he did try to harm Bella at one point. And it wasn’t the poor guy’s fault Meyer never intended to give him any role or (gasp!) personality. So, go Jasper!

    • “You can almost see which parts of the novel were written with more ideas and passion (any kissing, the tent scene, marriage proposal, etc). And none of those is important for the story!”
      oh-ho yeah. spot on. it’s always cuddles for Bella and edward – it would help if they were actually the focus of their story – which they are, but the “plot” just seems to be jumping in all directions at once. If she only focused on the romance with a twist, then awesome. but she keeps on trying to insert action where there isn;\’t. or something. I dunno – all I’m sure of is the book is terribly painful to read. >>.

    • “I love your style.”

      Hey thanks! We try our best. 😉 Can you tell we’re taking turns on chapters? We imagine you might be able to; we write a little differently.

      Also, good points — we agree that Meyer went into this with no plan. This is probably a good approximation of her outline: “Bella loves Edward. Edward loves Bella. Angst. Some more angst. Werewolves. Italian vampires so my character can go somewhere cool and romantic. Sparkles. More angst. Happily ever after!!!”

  5. This chapter seems SO DUMB! SMeyer always describes things in a way that nobody in the world could possibly see. I remember that from the first book.

    I agree about Jasper. I like that he always looks like he wants to eat her. It’s amusing. It does annoy me however that it took 2 books and a half for him to become a useful character…. how come Emmette is still pretty much useless???? I don’t think he ever says much of anything… ever… and I kind of liked Emmette. He’s hilarious… when she writes him that way… bitch.

  6. How are Edward’s movements “watchful?” She is a terrible, terrible writer.

  7. Now the new movie can be seen in our cinemas as well. I can´t take it anymore, this twilight fangirlism is too much! Everytime I see someone reading one of those terribly-written fanfictions I want to ripp that so called “book” in tiny pieces and burn them.
    But seriously, how can you use so many wonderful adjectives without describing anything? SMeyer must have a talent for bad writing and lack common sense. -.-

  8. I’m against burning books, but Twilight made a great bonfire.

    Got that off a button from Twilightsucks.com

    Keep up the work! I love this site! And on that chapter..Ugh,if it’s Twilight, but the way you wrote it was AWESOME!!! I laughed. A lot.

  9. I personally love Twilight, but I have to admit this is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. I don’t agree with some of the things but I can definitely see your point on some of it as well. I do wonder why you dedicate so much time to a book you supposedly hate though.

    • And you are the type of Twilight fan we can appreciate. As we’ve said before, liking the books is fine. But defending everything in them solely on the premise of Edward being dreamy is a little disturbing to us. We’re glad you can see (and be amused by) our side of the argument, too.

      As for dedicating our time, well, we started this project out as a bit of a joke. We only started blogging because we wanted some motivation to actually finish the series. (And we wanted to read the books in the first place just to see what the fuss was about, and to be able to properly defend our anti-Twilight leanings.) But, since we’ve gotten a fairly good number of readers and followers since starting the blog, we can’t exactly just stop now! We want to follow through and do it right.

  10. Meyer can describe almost-sex-scenes or Edward’s dong with so much detail that you feel uncomfortable (RPatz agrees) and might need to use a large dose of Brain Bleach to get rid of. But when it comes to a simple fight practice scene, you have no idea what the hell is going on. Not because so much is happening, but because she doesn’t really care about it. You can tell that from the 700 pages of Breaking Dawn filled with sex (as I heard) and the one page where the Italian vampires and the Sullens TALK out of their fight.

    • Oh, right, I remember the hilarious ending of the series. I thought I would die of laughter because, honestly, what you hear is way too true. >.<

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