7. Unexpected

Chapter Synopsis

Well, we went out on a very tiny limb to guess that this chapter is about Bella figuring out she’s knocked up… but we had to brave a ridiculous amount of bad writing to get there.

Bella wakes up alone in a steamy, hot black room. Eddie-kins has gone to hunt so as not to eat her, and will be returning later. It’s just after midnight, but Bella is awake and has the munchies, so she heads to the fridge. MMMMMMM fried chicken. But after two bites, she realizes the smell is revolting and the chicken tastes weird… it must be bad. Right? Frying that chicken was damn hard work, so she lays down for a nice nap (y’know — at 1 am).

Eddie-kins returns, waking Bella up with his cold embrace. Then she runs away and vomits (the way we would if we woke up to Edward’s… well… anything that looks like, smells like or even remotely resembles him). Bella reassures him it’s food poisoning, and then he carries her back to bed. Then: Ka-POW. There’s a sharp pain in Bella’s midsection, and then she vomits again in the sink. There is continuous vomiting and attempts at eating and stomach ‘nudging,’ as Bella refers to it.

Bella rummages through her suitcase for that “Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea” relief (yea, Pepto Bismol!) and discovers some unused feminine care products. If her mathematical calculations are right, she’s five days late! For a while, the two are dumbfounded, clearly completely unaware of how the male and female reproductive systems work, and baffled by the idea of having a little bastard on the way. Bella somehow already has a baby bump. She’s worked out the reproductive cycles of men and women in her head, just so she’s sure that Edward wasn’t shooting blanks. She realizes that, while women eventually become infertile, men can always have babies. So it doesn’t matter when male vampies were ‘frozen,’ they could spawn as many bastards as possible. Vampire women, however, are a different story. Then there is much crying.

Alice calls to check on the two lovebirds, and Bella demands a chat with Carlizzle — he can fix everything. Carlizzle immediately asks questions about her menstrual cycle and if her habits have changed. ‘Yes,’ Bella says — she’s having bizarre dreams and eating all the time and crying and throwing up and something MOVED inside of her earlier! (Wait… what’s so different?) Edward and Carlizzle chat it up and decide it’s best to get Bella home — ASAP.

Now Bella is pissed, because Edward keeps making references to the baby as ‘that thing’… after all, it’s her little NUDGER — not just some ‘thing.’ Edward seems quite set on implying he wants her to get a shma-shmorshin.  

The cleaning people show up, bringing some fish that makes Bella sick. The woman flips out, because she knows what Edward is and is pretty disgusted that Bella would have anything to do with him. Bella repeatedly complains that if she knew more Spanish, she could understand their Portugese (because they are so very similar). In the end, the crazy cleaning lady calls Bella’s baby the devil and leaves it at that.

The chapter ends with Bella placing a secret call to Rosalie, asking for her help. We get the impression this is supposed to be a cliffhanger… FAIL.

Best Worst Lines

“I had absolutely no experience with pregnancy or babies or any part of that world, but I wasn’t an idiot. I’d seen enough movies and TV shows to know that this wasn’t how it worked. I was only five days late. If I was pregnant, my body wouldn’t even have registered that fact. I would not have morning sickness. I would not have changed my eating or sleeping habits.”   (Because everyone reacts the same way and the TV is always right.)

“Impossible,’ I said again, because, bulge or no bulge, period or no period (and there was definitely no period, thought I’d never been late a day in my life), there was no way I could be pregnant. There only person I’d ever had sex with was a vampire, for crying out loud.”

“I think… well, I think that… maybe… I might be…” I took a deep breath. “Pregnant.”

As if to back me up, there was another tiny nudge in my abdomen. My hand flew to my stomach.

After a long pause, Carlisle’s medical training kicked in.”

“Children, in the abstract, had never appealed to me. They seemed to be loud creatures, often dripping some form of goo.”

“Edward had just called my little nudger a thing. He said Carlisle would get it out.”

Things That Really Irk Us

It seems like Bella is surprised that having sex without any form of contraceptive leads to babies… some of the most pasty, emo, angsty babies the world has EVER seen. SMeyer — you are writing these books for impressionable teens and you skip the ‘contraceptives’ speech? What, did Bella think that stuff was just glitter glue? FAIL.

Also, Bella’s explanation as to how she got preggers is confusing to us. She decides that male vampires can still produce sperm. But female vampires can’t go through “changes” anymore after they’re “frozen” — meaning no period, no egg production, and certainly no growing a big belly. But, where does Bella think sperm come from? Does she think Eddie-kins just has a never-ending supply hidden inside him, replacing his non-existent blood? Because we’re pretty sure that needs to get replenished after it’s… er… used. Wouldn’t that be some sort of “change”? Unless of course SMeyer is suggesting the sperm that impregnated Bella was over a century old, and Ed was just saving it up. In which case that’s both creepy, and sad — because it would mean that vampires don’t masturbate.

Bella’s idea of ‘how she’s acting different’ since getting knocked up sounds like her normal, whiny self… but possibly with an eating disorder. BOTHERED.

Not only is Carlizzle a sexy vampy doctor, but he moonlights as an OBGYN and during his free afternoons he enjoys being a male entertainer as the UV lights of the club make him sparkle, and the ladies just cannot get enough.

Portugese and Spanish are two completely different languages. Not to mention the Spanish Bella kind of knows is probably the dialect they speak in Mexico, not Spain. So there is almost no way she could possibly understand what is going on in Portugese, especially after admitting she barely knows any Spanish as it is. SMeyer, you fail miserably at anything and everything you attempt to put in this book that is even the slightest bit ‘intellectual.’  Mortar fire during the civil war? Driving WEST to get to the coast along Brazil? Now THIS!? Do us all a favor and stop writing.

Final Thoughts

Well, we know what lies ahead (the little mini novellas… you know. The ones with witty titles?). You have all been wondering how we make it through without copious amounts of alcohol or illegal (at least in Ohio) drugs. Brace yourselves, because we’re about to share our SECRET! (At least for this chapter.)

The entire time we read this chapter, we sang this wonderful little song. Here is the video, and remember kids — EVERY sperm is sacred. EVERY sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate.

Go to the unnecessary Book Two.

18 Responses to “7. Unexpected”

  1. Bella is SO stupid. But even more than that Edward has to be THE stupidest person on EARTH! Taking into account his “age” and everything. Even though he’d never done the deed until recently he should have been alive long as hell enough to know when a girl is pregnant… seriously dumb all the way around.

    LOL. Just because he’s a doctor doesn’t mean he can do everything any doctor at all can do… then again he has been a love for a LONG time… maybe he has all of his degrees… but still it’s ridiculous.

  2. Last year I acted this scene out in a vlog for pure fun.
    It was so hard to keep a straight face and actually ACT like Bella because she’s the stupidest thing on the earth.
    I mean seriously. SMeyer, you fail ever so badly.
    I do believe MY writing could KICK her BEHIND.

  3. Language fail.
    Biology fail.
    Literature fail.

    this book is just so full of fails!

  4. About the implication that Edward Cullen has, erm, “saved himself” for the past century so that he can still get Bella pregnant, have you guys seen this?


    “I greatly enjoy the implication that for decades on end, all of the Cullens spent their nights having crazy sex while Edward sat around and studied and kept on being a virgin who never whacked off.”

    It was linked from some review I don’t remember when the first movie came out. I think it explains everything.

  5. You’d think after a hundred years Edward would be shooting nothing but dust.

    *rereads the third paragraph of the summary*

    Why is there a sink right next to the bed? Or did you cut out where Bella runs to the bathroom. And for that matter who pukes in a sink?

    • In this chapter, Bella vomits in in quite a few sinks…the bathroom, the kitchen, etc. (We know, the toilet is OBVIOUSLY too far away from the sink.) After she eats the chicken she voms in the kitchen sink. Disgusting, we completely agree.

      • What!?! Ok I can understand Bella’s past actions. Letting a vampire destroy your will and take over your life? Hey who hasn’t done that? But puking in a sink!! Doesn’t she know how hard that will be to clean?

        She’s crossed the line!!!

      • Ummm… I didn’t imagine that being pregnant comes with so much vomiting all over the place. I think she’s only read the first three books.

  6. That is fuckin’ SAD! A hundred and something virgin that had never jacked off?! 0.0

  7. This is ridiculous. SMeyer obviously had abstinence-only sex education and must have gotten a note to be absent on the day they taught the reproductive system in biology class. What the what?!

  8. If anything female vampires should be able to get pregnant because females are born with ALL their eggs! They don’t need to produce anymore. Of course, ovulation would constitute a ‘change’ but it’s not a bigger biology fail than you have to accept for Bella to get pregnant. In fact if a female vampire got turned while there was an egg in her uterus, why shouldn’t it be able to get pregnant? If a vampire sperm can fertilise a human egg, why not a human sperm a vampire egg? Unless of course the egg membrane is as tough as Bella’s uterus- which doesn’t make any sense either as it’s BELLA’s uterus/amniotic sac which should not be affected by the demon spawn’s genetics either as it is made by BELLA’s body (which is human and not in any way vampiric YET) not the evil little fucker.

  9. By all means don’t quote me on this, but I think that there are definite similarities between Portuguese and Spanish…I know someone [my boyfriend’s sister actually] who went to Brazil and when she and her hubby got back she and my boyfriend were going back and forth about how things are pronounced in Spanish and in Portuguese and they sounded similar, except that obviously were pronounced differently because as stated, they are two different languages…so while SMeyer is full of fail, I don’t think she failed as much….but they were comparing the name of some monument, so I actually don’t know how similar they are or aren’t. (shrugs)

  10. I can almost hear the ominous chant: SANCTUUUUS… DOMINUUUUS… Just can’t wait for the cute little Antichrist to be chewed out!

  11. I never understood how vampires have sex anyway. Wouldn’t you have to have a functional circulatory system?

  12. Meyer called Eddie an incubus to explain how he knocked Bella up. Meyer, an incubus is a demon, not a vampire! Quit writing fantasy! Actually, quit writing altogether, because I can’t take much more of your fail!

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