39. The Happily Ever After

Chapter Synopsis

To begin this chapter, Edward is recanting the events that just took four chapters to explain and one paragraph to bring to a maddening, dull ending. Of course, he explains to everyone that Bella was the heroine, practically beating Aro and his cronies single-handedly. We get excessive detail as to who leaves the Cullen’s house when and in which order they leave, la la la la la. The Amazonians really want Nessie to visit them, and she promises she will with her parents’ permission.

While this was a victory for each of the covens, the Volturi will surely return one day and pick each coven off separately. Bella is praised by everybody in the room for holding the Volturi off — her ability to keep Alec from cutting off all senses and feeling during their counsel truly saved their lives. That, and the horse-sized werewolves.

While the entire Cullen clan is together again, Bella finds herself pretty annoyed with Alice — she has some s’plainin’ to do! Alice goes into a big long explanation for what she did, which, as if it was not obvious enough, is explained in detail in one long-ass paragraph in an attempt to kill what sanity we have left.

To make the chapter worse and drag on longer, SMeyer goes into a long explanation about how Edward goes on retelling the “big fight” with the Volturri. It’s a recap, but not really… and an opportunity to play up Bella’s pathetic excuse for a character.

Nahuel, one of the only half-vampire, half-humans to live through birth, is just sort of hanging around and staring at Nessie. Somehow, Jacob is not noticing the creepiness of this guy. The questioning ends, and Jacob leaves for Billy’s house. Bella and Edward leave for their lovely cottage, but not before Bella grills Jasper about J. Jenks. It turns out Jasper scares the shit out of him, so Bella will do business with him on behalf of the family from now on.

Bella and Edward walk barefoot through the woods, discussing how surprised they are that Jacob did not get excited about the news that Nessie will be fully matured in 6 ½ years. Bella knows, in her heart of hearts, that Jacob is not thinking of her that way and that he really just wants her to be happy. (BULLSHIT) But Jacob better watch out, because he will have some competition from Nahuel (oh boy — at least the girl as freakin’ options…)

But it turns out Nahuel wasn’t eyeing Nessie, he was staring Bella down because she is still alive after giving birth to Nessie. This blew his mind because he always thought he was a murderer, but the collective “functional” way that Edward, Bella and Nessie work as a family has given him hope! (*gag*)

Bella is happy for her family’s happiness — everyone is alive, Bella and Ed can go back to having crazy, all-night sex, Nessie and Jake will eventually be doing the same, and even Charlie has a fuck buddy now — Sue Clearwater. All is right in the Twilight-verse.

It’s rather obvious that Bella and Edward cannot wait to jump each other’s bones, but Bella stops Edward in his tracks. She holds his head in her hands and is able to lift her shield enough so that Edward can read her mind and ALL of the memories she had saved from her mortal life up to now. Every thought and feeling.  Eddie-kins is very turned on by this, and breaks her concentration. (BAZINGA)

He asked her to do it again… and this is where the story ends… a “perfect little piece of our forever.”

Best Worst Lines

“She looked at me speculatively for a moment. ‘I don’t think so,’ she said. ‘You’re just not that good an actress.'” (746)    (FACT.)

“Alice’s trilling laugh rang through the room, and we all smiled to hear that music once more. ‘I missed you, too, Bella. So forgive me, and try to be satisfied with being the superhero of the day.'” (747)   (How is a laugh “thrilling”?)

“I smiled for Nahuel’s happiness and then thought that today belonged to happiness.”   (False. This day/chapter was full of suck. No action. No fight. No death of Bella or even a nice appendage loss. Fail.)

“He looked at me in confusion. As a general rule, I didn’t pull away. Okay, it was more than a general rule. This was a first.”

“Some of the memories were not clear — dim human memories, seen through weak eyes and heard through weak ears: the first time I’d seen his face… the way it felt when he’d held me in the meadow… the sound of his voice through the darkness of my faltering consciousness when he’d saved me from James… his face as he waited under a canopy of flowers to marry me… every precious moment from the island… his cold hands touching our baby through my skin…” (753)   (This is not romantic. This is cliché.)

“‘Now you know,’ I said lightly, and shrugged. ‘No one’s ever loved anyone as much as I love you.'” (753)   (We believe Orson Wells loved alcohol far more than either of you could ever love one another.)

“And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.”

Things That Really Irk Us

The constant playing of the whole ‘wolves versus vampires’ thing. It’s been overplayed for years in every vampire or werewolf movie and this series doesn’t even make it cool, it makes it PATHETIC.

Alice uses the word “schmuck.”

That Jacob doesn’t think about Nessie maturing and get excited about the fact he can do her in less than 7 years… If you knew the first time you would get laid is in 6 ½ years when it is “legal” and morally correct, you would be anticipating it like a starving person anticipates their first full meal…

If we added up the chapters that are full of nothing but Bella or Edward or anybody retelling the story of the chapter before it to other characters, none of these books would be half as long.

Final Thoughts

That’s fucking IT? Even if we were fans, we would be fuming. THAT’s the big ending? Bella can finally remove her shield enough to let Edward read her mind? SERIOUSLY?!? This entire series was about getting Bella to learn how to make herself MORE vulnerable to the vampire she GAVE UP HER LIFE for so that they could mind-fuck? Ugh.

We need a drink.

21 Responses to “39. The Happily Ever After”

  1. Looooooool! And I was getting worried the updates were over 😀 this website is one of my most looked out for thing on the Internet and you guys r top notch. Keep on blogging this shite! (y)

  2. …………………………………….. These books suck… a whole lot. I mean seriously… I don’t even know anymore. Why does SMeyer suck so much!??! I just don’t understand what people see in it. What a crappy ending, as if the rest wasn’t a total mess.

  3. No wonder our planet is going down the drain. Trees are being cut down and turned into this.

  4. So far, the only good thing i can find that comes from Twilight are the parodies. theres a book called New Moan, ‘the first book in the Twishite Saga’. it’s pretty good.

  5. Renesmee attains maturity at 7 yrs right? And after that daily ****ing her mums….. ewwwww (Sick)
    Jake does not stay young for eternity, but Nessie does. So what happens after Jake dies? Nessie finds another? Also what sort of creatures will their kids be? (wanna see umbridge tackle with them ha ha ha!!)
    And since Nessie can talk from Bella’s belly , why didn’t she say that already? Was it meant to be a plot twist that the ‘bootifool’ baby was not a boy?(anti feminist idiot).
    You guys are great you ultimately finished reading and reviewing this saga! Your patience, endurance etc etc should be rewarded
    Lemme go and read literature(real books)

  6. yay, it’s over! a very anti-climactic ending. like i said, the whole thing could have ended at chapter 26 (shiny) and it would have made no difference.

    thanks guys!

  7. WOOOHOOO! You did it! 😀 I’d buy you a drink if I could; you’ve earned it.

  8. You guys did it!!! You all deserve tons of drinks for suffering this. Now you got that other book to review or their also a biography of Stephine Meyer out too.

    • Seriously? A biography?! What is this world coming to?! Why have the muses forsaken their sacred texts?! WHY? WHY? WHY? *deep calming breaths* Well, at least it’s not an AUTO-biography or I would have just choked on my celery.

      Anyhoo…congratulations on finishing your masochistic labour! I would give you cookies to sooth the pain but I guess these e-muffins will have to do. Come on take them. They’re blueberry 🙂

  9. You deserve free cookies & much alcohol for getting through all four the books.

    Good job guys. 🙂

  10. Well done, guys 🙂 You’ve done fantastically, and earned your drinks (and cookies). Just think, now you can read books that are actually good!!

  11. I hope your alcohol is cookie flavoured. Seriously, you guys are the one good thing to have come from this franchise.

  12. So Bella is the hero for being annoying long enough for Alice to arrive with the MacGuffin? Right…

    Great job ladies! Enjoying being drunk for the next month, you earned it.

  13. This isn’t how it works! Vampire novels don’t have “happily ever afters!” They end on good old fashioned bloodbaths. But this isn’t a “vampire” novel, so what am I complaining about?

  14. I gotta say I was honestly getting hope the last few chapters. I will say that for me, at least, having read all four books, the last is definitely the better one, but the better of two (ahem, FOUR) evils, is still evil. This book at least had potential page-turning action building up! And then… ugh.

    • The ending was so disappointing. SMeyer does not understand the basic concepts of good storywriting — namely that there has to actually be CONFLICT in order for there to be resolution.

  15. I should make a list of potential plot points in this series that were missed. In this series, there were at least three instances of innocent people dying because of Bella. Of course, this had no effect on her whatsoever. It would have been really interesting if they did.

    • But then that would mean she might have some shred of DEPTH to her character. Which is apparently a no-no in this series.

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