New Moon

Somehow, “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” got made. And we’re not happy about it.

We know it was long in coming, but we finally have our review of this piece of junk up for you.

Read it here: Review — Our Two Cents.

Then mosey on over to Little Things That Really Irk Us.

Keep an eye out eventually for Our Own Film Commentary, where we’ll share our in-the-moment comments about the second film, much as we did with the first. This will have to wait until we can see in the comfort of our own homes, however, so we can be as loud and crass as we want.

Below, see what we had to say about “New Moon” before we made ourselves sit through the painful 130 minutes.

Our Thoughts

First of all, why is it now “The Twilight Saga”? We’re pretty sure that everyone not currently residing under a rock knows that “New Moon” is the sequel to “Twilight.” It’s kind of hard to miss, with RPattz’s pasty face plastered EVERYWHERE you look, from clothing stores, to magazine covers, to Volvo commercials. We get it, twi-marketing team. We get it.

Secondly, we are very confused about some of the “New Moon” trailers/TV spots that were abound before the movie came out. There were the obligatory, “Bella must choose between the pasty vamp and the furry wolf” trailers and TV spots. But then, towards the end of the media blitz, there were ones like this one that really confused us. The voice over says: “Some will seek to destroy her. Some will rise to defend her. But only one will risk everything for her.” And then it ends with what appears to be a “fight” scene in Volterra. Umm… did we read the same book? Because we’re pretty sure that NOTHING HAPPENS in Volterra. There’s a lot of talking. And more talking. And Bella being speshul. But no fighting, and certainly nobody risking anything (let alone “everything”) for her. Uggghhhh.

Disturbing things we noticed before seeing the film:

The CGI. You’d think, after “Twilight” did so well at the box office, “New Moon” would have gotten a big enough budget for some decent special effects. But oh wait, we forgot — this is the “Twilight Saga,” where thinks like logic don’t exist. Our bad. The werewolves in the trailers look really bad and cheesy. And the “transformation” and “fight” scenes? Puh-lease. Laaaaaame.

Edward shirtless in Volterra. Eeeeewwwwwww. Pasty AND a happy trail? Gross.

Further Reading

Our review not enough for you? Check out these, too.

The New York Times

This review is brilliant. It’s snarky and funny and blunt — everything we strive for in our own writing. This bit at the end made us laugh out loud: “‘The Twilight Saga: New Moon’ is rated PG-13. (Parents strongly cautioned.) Some bared fangs, little blood, no sex.” Go check it out!

Roger Ebert

Writing for the Chicago Sun-Times, Ebert gets two thumbs up from us for his negative review of “New Moon.” The first line: “The characters in this movie should be arrested for loitering with intent to moan.” HA!

Cinematropolis

At this fellow WP blog, the author eloquently rips “New Moon” a new one. Our favorite part? “Their chaste courtship in the first movie was the stuff that narcolepsy is made of. I’m at a loss to think of a film with a less lively couple of lovers at its center, and I’m  counting that scene of the snails mating to classical music in Microcosmos.”

Rolling Stone

This one’s short, but still pretty good. The author, Peter Travers, basically says the cast (the ones who matter, at least) can’t act. Well, no surprise there!