New Moon

Somehow, “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” got made. And we’re not happy about it.

We know it was long in coming, but we finally have our review of this piece of junk up for you.

Read it here: Review — Our Two Cents.

Then mosey on over to Little Things That Really Irk Us.

Keep an eye out eventually for Our Own Film Commentary, where we’ll share our in-the-moment comments about the second film, much as we did with the first. This will have to wait until we can see in the comfort of our own homes, however, so we can be as loud and crass as we want.

Below, see what we had to say about “New Moon” before we made ourselves sit through the painful 130 minutes.

Our Thoughts

First of all, why is it now “The Twilight Saga”? We’re pretty sure that everyone not currently residing under a rock knows that “New Moon” is the sequel to “Twilight.” It’s kind of hard to miss, with RPattz’s pasty face plastered EVERYWHERE you look, from clothing stores, to magazine covers, to Volvo commercials. We get it, twi-marketing team. We get it.

Secondly, we are very confused about some of the “New Moon” trailers/TV spots that were abound before the movie came out. There were the obligatory, “Bella must choose between the pasty vamp and the furry wolf” trailers and TV spots. But then, towards the end of the media blitz, there were ones like this one that really confused us. The voice over says: “Some will seek to destroy her. Some will rise to defend her. But only one will risk everything for her.” And then it ends with what appears to be a “fight” scene in Volterra. Umm… did we read the same book? Because we’re pretty sure that NOTHING HAPPENS in Volterra. There’s a lot of talking. And more talking. And Bella being speshul. But no fighting, and certainly nobody risking anything (let alone “everything”) for her. Uggghhhh.

Disturbing things we noticed before seeing the film:

The CGI. You’d think, after “Twilight” did so well at the box office, “New Moon” would have gotten a big enough budget for some decent special effects. But oh wait, we forgot — this is the “Twilight Saga,” where thinks like logic don’t exist. Our bad. The werewolves in the trailers look really bad and cheesy. And the “transformation” and “fight” scenes? Puh-lease. Laaaaaame.

Edward shirtless in Volterra. Eeeeewwwwwww. Pasty AND a happy trail? Gross.

Further Reading

Our review not enough for you? Check out these, too.

The New York Times

This review is brilliant. It’s snarky and funny and blunt — everything we strive for in our own writing. This bit at the end made us laugh out loud: “‘The Twilight Saga: New Moon’ is rated PG-13. (Parents strongly cautioned.) Some bared fangs, little blood, no sex.” Go check it out!

Roger Ebert

Writing for the Chicago Sun-Times, Ebert gets two thumbs up from us for his negative review of “New Moon.” The first line: “The characters in this movie should be arrested for loitering with intent to moan.” HA!

Cinematropolis

At this fellow WP blog, the author eloquently rips “New Moon” a new one. Our favorite part? “Their chaste courtship in the first movie was the stuff that narcolepsy is made of. I’m at a loss to think of a film with a less lively couple of lovers at its center, and I’m  counting that scene of the snails mating to classical music in Microcosmos.”

Rolling Stone

This one’s short, but still pretty good. The author, Peter Travers, basically says the cast (the ones who matter, at least) can’t act. Well, no surprise there!

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11 Responses to “New Moon”

  1. I did see the movie and all I can say is that the wolves are WOUS’s in my book. (Wolves of unusual size). The movie is funny as hell. The Volturi, Aro particularly is a scream… very old man horney. I had to stiffle my laughter. I was crying, litterally. It was hilarious.

    Off to read the reviews!

  2. Can’t wait to laugh my head off. I’m going to see New Moon this weekend with my friends, and I will be pointing and laughing and crying with laughter through the whole movie. And hopefully be kicked out of the theater for my howling.
    May I critique the trailer?
    Yes, i will.
    Okay, then. OMG GIANT WOLVES!!! What happened to regular wolves? I like regular wolves, but giant, fake-looking transformation ones? Look bad. I will laugh for a long, long time.
    Pasty vamps? Yucky. Eddi-poo. Harharhar.
    Those cheesy, mushy lines? They make me want to puke. And all the staring, Bella into Edward’s eyes, Bella into Jacob’s eyes, Bella into blank, neverending space…
    Bella’s screams in the night sound really wrong.
    And fake.
    Wow, she’s so pathetic, a drama queen, a bitch, and has no life. I truly wonder exactly how Smeyer got so popular. It will be the the largest mystery in the world.

  3. I’m torn. See the movie, and laugh my butt off, or save my money for something better :/

    • It’s a tough decision to make, we know. Maybe save it for a day when you need a bit of a pick-me-up. You know it’ll at least be a good laugh!

  4. I saw the movie yesterday.
    I thought it was better than Twilight but not by much. There were some points at which opportunities for plot and character development appeared only to be completely ignored. The interesting parts were shortened while the boring ones were unnecessary prolonged. I would only recommend this movie to tweenagers and people with bad taste. FAIL.

  5. I saw the movie today with a couple of my friends for the sole purpose of making fun of it. New Moon did not dissapoint. We spent the whole time cracking up while other people were sobbing, espescially when Bella was screaming in her bed and looked like she was giving birth. It was hilarious.

  6. My mother and I saw the movie. Long story short, nothing impressive except for how much of a hilarious tweeny-bopper movie it was.

    And I thought teenagers were far beyond mature enough to keep quiet in a movie theater…

  7. I’d like to put forward the following video review that I came across. Very amusing 🙂

    http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/bum-reviews/13853-ep032

  8. if you don’t want to waste your money on it like i did,
    then just watch the movie at this website.

    http://newmoontwilight2009.blogspot.com/

    there was no way i was going to contribute to helping box office grosses for this movie higher. So i chose to do it, this way.

    Hope it saves your money, sorry to say though that it will waste your time.

  9. I went with my best friend, mother and aunt. My mother asked me (inb the break-up scence) if it was a comedy she wasnt even joking. I however was too busy trying to keep my giggles under control while bitches threw popcorn at me lol. Seiously “I dont want you to come” how dirty I thought this was meant to be pg-13. When edward took his shirt off just for laughs I yelled out “OH MY EYES THEY BURN” my friend and the men in the cinema seemed to think it was funny the girls, not so much. Also I asked my friend if Aro was gay because seriously have you head him speak and clap. Said it a little to loud and proceeded another round of popcorn, which I threw back..after I dunked them in coke lol all in all a fantastic comedy a sure way to get a lot of laughs. 🙂

  10. Great site! Keep up the good work!

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