26. Shiny

Chapter Synopsis

Charlie eventually has to leave the Cullen house; he’s already late for dinner with Sue Clearwater. He and Bella decide they probably shouldn’t tell Renee about most of this — it’s not for the “fainthearted,” after all. Bella notes that, even though Claude never relaxed all day, he’s reluctant to leave. She has to reassure him that she’s not going to run away any time soon.

Then Bella gives Charlie a half-hug, and lets him hold Renesmee. He calls her a “pretty baby,” and asks if he can come back and see “Nessie” again the next day. Bella corrects him, explaining that the kid’s name is Renesmee for a reason — a mixture of “Renee” and “Esme.” And guess what her middle name is? “Carlie” — a mix of “Carlisle” and “Charlie.” (Good lord, gag us.) Charlie gets the warm fuzzies from this, and finally leaves.

Bella is sooo proud of herself for making it through the entire day without trying to eat her father. She MUST have a superpower! Emmett then makes some comment about Bella being too “tame” for a newborn, and Bella is reminded of all the inappropriate innuendoes Emmett had been using all day around Charlie and growls a little bit. Edward points out that Emmett is pretty dumb, goading the strongest vampire in the house.

Emmett isn’t too worried, but then Edward reminds Bella of a little “favor” he asked of her before she became a sparklepire — to kick Emmett’s ass once she was a newbie. So Bella challenges Emmett to an arm wrestle. The stakes? If she wins, he’ll stop making references about her sex life to ANYONE. And if he wins, it’s going to get a lot worse.

The two settle themselves at a large rock near the river, and prepare for the showdown. Bella, despite being a speshul newborn, is a little nervous. But as soon as they start, she realizes her nerves are unnecessary. Yes, she can feel the force Emmett is exerting (comparable to a cement truck going about 50 miles per hour, she estimates), but he’s not budging her arm. She beats him easily, then laughs at him.

Emmett demands a rematch the next day. Bella points out that her newborn strength isn’t going to wear off THAT quickly. And then she goes about destroying the boulder they’d been using with her hands — crushing it, karate chopping it, etc. Renesmee finds Mommy’s antics highly amusing, and she laughs for the first time.

Bella goes over to where her family is gathered and, suddenly, the buttery sun bursts through the clouds and they all sparkle and dazzle one another. Renesmee doesn’t sparkle like the rest of the Cullens, but Bella assures her she’s still “the prettiest.”

Bella then relishes in the knowledge that she’s good at being a vampire. It comes “naturally” to her like nothing else in life ever had. She must have been born to be a sparkly, sex-crazed Meyerpire, she decides. And that makes her happy.

Best Worst Lines

“I nodded. ‘I know. I don’t want to freak her out. Better to protect her. This stuff isn’t for the fainthearted.’

His lips twisted up to the side ruefully. ‘I would have tried to protect you, too, if I’d known how. But I guess you’ve never fit into the fainthearted category, have you?’” (512)   (…Claude, this is the girl who passed out upon smelling blood. We’d call that fainthearted.)

“Charlie was late for dinner — Sue Clearwater was cooking for him and Billy. That was going to be an awkward evening, but at least he’d be eating real food; I was glad someone was trying to keep him from starving due to his lack of cooking ability.”   (Bella, you give yourself too much credit. Charlie somehow survived on his own for years before you came to Forks. He’s a big boy; he doesn’t really need you like you think he does.)

“Emmett kicked the rock fragment across the river. It sliced a young maple in half before thudding into the base of a big fir, which swayed and then fell into another tree.”

“Fascinated by the undeniable proof that I was stronger than the strongest vampire I’d ever known, I placed my hand, fingers spread wide, against the rock. Then I dug my fingers slowly into the stone, crushing rather than digging; the consistency reminded me of hard cheese. I ended up with a handful of gravel.

‘Cool,’ I mumbled.” (521)

“The sun suddenly burst through the clouds, shooting long beams of ruby and gold across the ten of us, and I was immediately lost in the beauty of my skin in the light of the sunset. Dazed by it.”

“He was both dazzling and dazzled.” (523)

“So this was really different. I was amazing now — to them and to myself. It was like I had been born to be a vampire. The idea made me want to laugh, but it also made me want to sing. I had found my true place in the world, the place I fit, the place I shined.” (523)

Things That Really Irk Us

The fact that everything is just working out so perfectly — Bella is a good little vampire who won’t eat humans, Claude is accepting of all the weirdness, and the Cullens are just one big happy, sparkly family. Ugh. Where’s the conflict? We’re more than 500 pages in, and we have failed to see any hint of that elusive plot.

The arm wrestling. Pretty boring way to prove your strength, if you ask us.

And the ensuing “I’m gonna use my newfound strength to show this rock who’s boss” scene was also pretty lame. Though, imagining KStew karate chopping at a large boulder (with “hi-YA” sound effects, of course) is pretty amusing.

The dazzling. We’ve had enough dazzling. They sparkle — we get it.

Bella deciding she must have been “born to be a vampire.” Ugggghhhh. We’re pretty sure those sorts of things don’t work that way…

Final Thoughts

We don’t even know what to say. This chapter was beyond pointless, and we have a feeling the next one will be, too. And the one after that. And the one after that. …

Go to Chapter 27.