Dazzle Me This, Mr. Vampire

A note to our readers: Yes, we DO plan to watch and review “Breaking Dawn, Part 1” over the holidays! So stick around.

Disclaimer: We have nothing against the state of Washington (in fact, we hear it’s quite nice), or any actual town/city/province called Forks. (EDIT: We have learned that there is, in fact, a town in Washington State called Forks. We’re sorry, people of Forks. So sorry.) We also are quite fond of the utensils. But our tolerance doesn’t reach to Stephenie Meyer’s grey, desolate, angsty town.

What we’re about

Since we’re both fans of fantasy and have lots of friends who like to sing “Twilight” praises, we decided we needed to try to understand what all the hype was about. We started with the movie, and… well, let’s not go there just yet. The only positive thing we can say about the movie is that it has a pretty awesome soundtrack. And makes for a stellar drinking game (more on this later).

But, as any “Twilight” fan will inform you, “OMG, the book is soooooooo much better!!!!!!!!” So we decided to give Stephenie Meyer the benefit of the doubt. We don’t condone hating something simply to hate it any more than we would support loving something unconditionally while refusing to acknowledge its flaws.

So we started reading. And, lo and behold, we still hate it.

So, to motivate ourselves to actually make it through the whole series, we’ve decided to blog about our reading experience, starting with the first book.

We’re giving ourselves new monikers both to shield our own identities annnd because it’s fun. We had a difficult time with this, but finally decided on two of the BEST and most memorable descriptions used in the book and the movie. We are The Destroying Angel  and  Spider Monkey.

We know that there are others out there who agree with us and our thoughts on this “Twilight” phenomenon — though perhaps you’re too fearful for your safety to say anything about it — and we want you to know we’re here for you. We’ll say what you’ve always wanted to.

What we’re doing

This is starting out as a solely “Twilight”-based page, however, it may branch out into other horribly-written and/or filmed tales of blood-sucking, lust, and teen angst. So keep that in mind, and please feel free to send suggestions our way. (Please note that “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” does not count… we have too much respect for J.K., even if Harry is a little bitch sometimes.)

In the blog entries that will follow, we plan to go through each “Twilight” book chapter by chapter and offer our commentary. “Commentary” can and may include any of the following: a plot synopsis, character psychoanalysis, the best worst quotes, a running tally of the use of the word “dazzle,” our alternatives to Meyer’s descriptions (especially when it comes to long rooms and crooked smiles), and anything else that comes to mind as we read.

Check out our most recent updates here.

Lastly, we’d like to add that we are reading these books aloud to each other so we can offer moral support and encouragement along the way. If you are like us, we don’t recommend reading these books on your own. It’s just too painful. Don’t put yourself through that.

One more disclaimer: We do not hold claim to any of the “Twilight”-related things mentioned here in this blog. The angsty characters, lack of plot, and the veiled, repressed sexual undertones belong (thankfully) to Stephenie Meyer. And, we suppose, Summit Entertainment. We didn’t create them; we just like to mock them.