17. Alliance
Chapter Synopsis
The Cullens have decided to throw a huge bash for Bella’s graduation. They turn their house into a night club and use people’s curiosity to lure them to the party. After all, Bella has no friends outside of the Cullen Clan and Jacob.
The party starts with Bella bitching about how underdressed she is, followed by Jessica, Mike and all of her ‘pals’ showing up. The house fills quickly, and then Alice has an intense vision of something. She goes pastier than normal, and all of the Cullens disappear somewhere in the house, Bella assumes, to have some sort of discussion about her vision.
Before Bella can look for them, Jacob, Quil and Embry show up. Jacob can tell something is up, but Bella distracts him by acting enthusiastic about his present. Jacob gives her a silver charm bracelet complete with a hand-carved trinket shaped like a wolf. Bella thinks it’s totes adorbs and puts it on, but Jacob knows something is up. Just when Bella is about to spill on the situation in Seattle and vampire armies, Alice comes downstairs to whisk her away and fill her in. Jacob does NOT think this is cool, and Alice decides it would be a good idea to share with him, Embry and Quil what’s going on.
The newborns are coming for Bella, and they outnumber the Cullens. By a lot. Jacob assures them that, with the wolf pack, they’ll be able to protect the border of Forks. But Bella, being the sweet, caring girl that she is, cannot stand the thought of Jacob risking his life, too. If the Cullens AND Jacob died, who would take her virginity!? What a predicament.
In the end, the wolves are invited to the strategic pow-wow with the Cullens later in the night. Before the time is set, Jasper makes sure it isn’t too late for the nocturnal wolves to meet up at 3 a.m. north of the ranger station. Bella is pissed…
Best Worst Lines
“The interior of the Cullens’ home had been transformed into a nightclub — the kind that didn’t often exist in real life, only on TV.” (Or in shitty novels.)
“They all folded their arms across their chests at exactly the same moment. It was a little bit funny, but mostly menacing.”
Things That Really Irk Us
Jacob really needs to get over Bella. At the same time, we’re beginning to believe that he’s holding on to her so that he can kick some vampire ass. Maybe he pretends that all other vampires are Edward so that he gets some kind of super sick pleasure out of ass kickery. (We think he would beat the crap out of Eddie-kins — sorry, Bella.)
If it weren’t for the Cullen family, nobody would be at this party.
It is quite obvious that Bella has no friends and she does nothing to keep them. Prime example: social interaction. She just drops everybody that isn’t all about vampires and werewolves and life threatening situations. The really sad part is that she is NOT cool, at all.
Final Thoughts
On the bright side, the chapters are getting shorter. The not so exciting part is that the writing and plot still suck. On to the battle of epic proportions. Maybe there will be mortar fire…
Go to Chapter 18.
Dazzle Me This, Mr. Vampire 
[…] 17. Alliance […]
“If the Cullens AND Jacob died, who would take her virginity!?”
You rule!
Meyer, on the other hand, fails as usual. This chapter is a good example of her bad writing. Even if we forget about lack of plot, lack of characterization and lack of any meaning whatsoever- her writing still sucks.
And here’s why.
This could be a regular chapter in any novel. There’s a party, and several things happen. First, a character has a vision. Second, two groups of enemy characters decide to work together. There are also minor things, but these are important.
Now here’s the problem. CAN Meyer present those things (and there are only 3 of them: the party, the vision, the alliance) in any coherent way? No, she can’t! she doesn’t even know how to write a simple scene in which she describes a party! Ok, maybe she was never allowed to go to parties or something, but I absolutely have no idea if she wanted the party in the book to be: a) exciting, b) awkward, c) something else.
Then, Alice’s vision. Does Meyer want us too see it as a) exciting, b) frightening, c) something else? Or the alliance between wolf pack and vampires? Or Bella’s reaction on Jacob’s present?
The problem is Meyer knows all those things, but she never tells us. What is worse, she THINKS the tells us. But her writing is so bad- and I mean really bad- that she can not show even the simplest things like describing a teenage party!
Also, she tends to pay most attention to 100% unimportant things, such as Bella’s clothing, showers, random thoughts and such. That leaves any 500 pages book with 50-100 pages that actually have something to do with the plot. And when I say plot, I mean on sexual fantasy (because that’s what Twilight “saga” is all about).
We agree entirely. This point you’re making about Meyer being unable to properly describe scenes to us is really hit home in the next chapter — where the vampys and wolfies get some “training” from Jasper. It astounds us how Meyer can use so many descriptive words, and yet not describe ANYTHING. Most authors couldn’t do that if they tried.
I really wish Eddie and Jake would fight just once 🙂 How does Jake go through so many books without bursting into a ball of fur and attacking Eddie?
We’re not sure. It probably never happens because SMeyer can’t write anything that complex.
Who do you think would win though? Our money’s on Jake.
I totally agree with Mira. And I wanna see a werewolf/vampire fight! Jake should totally rip Eddie from limb to limb! Then Bella could be so upset she jumps off another cliff! And dies!
YAAAAAAAAAY!!!
Oh, a nasty note. The Twilight “saga” is definitely a sexual fanasty. TWILIGHT IS PORN! I mean, a stalker stalking around who doesn’t sleep? Stalking in through your windows? Slithering into bed with you? Eddie-poo sounds like a rapist to me.
I must says I enjoy this site. Allow me to fully mock this series without the pain of reading them. Though does make me mad that this crap can be punished and I never will. Don’t do anything other than story debates but I know I can do better than this.
Fortify yourself though. From what I’ve been told the fourth book makes the first three look completely normal and logical.
Vampires have always been a metaphor for sex. The thing about Twilight is that SMeyer has attempted to take the sex out of vampires, thereby making them chaste and palatable to moms and churchy people. The problem is that she has also made them BORING AS HELL. I want my vampires (real vampires, not that glittery shit) to bite on some necks and get down and dirty. That’s part of the scandalous appeal of vampires. Twilight is like the Jonas Brothers wearing purity rings while they writhe around onstage. There’s enough of a tease to make young girls feel lusty and dirty, thereby enhancing their appeal, but enough “technical purity” to make it okay in the eyes of the parentals. Oh, and also, they both suck.
We couldn’t have said it better ourselves. Kudos.
You know, I wish Twilight had been out when I was in school, I could’ve done all my projects on it! NO characterization, NO plot, BASIC setting, would’ve been a piece of cake!
The silver charm bracelt thing was weird. In GOOD books that actually FOLLOW proper werewolf mythology, isn’t silver what is used to defeat werewolves? It’s usually a bullet made of silver, and only of silver, that can be used to kill werewolves. So because of that, werewolves that DON’T tie ribbons on thier hair (i.e werewolves that aren’t in Twilight) usually avioid silver as best they can. It might be a bit trivial, but you can’t help but notice if you’re like me, and love to read mythology, and books like Anne Rice’s or Annette Curtis Klause’s.
its unlikely that this is read any more, but as a note mortars did exist during a civil war and for many centuries before. A mortar is simply a muzzle loaded indirect fire weapon. It would also launch fuse timed explosive shells (hence the line the bombs bursting in air in the the anthem).
This is just a random aside from me, other then that I am loving the the commentary on the offal that is the twilight saga.
*sigh* The Cullens and wolves are doing all this alliance and training crap and taking their sweet time all for Bella. Meanwhile, there are hundreds of people out there getting nommed by vampires and the Cullens could have prevented it. Most (if not all) of those people would probably be missed way more than Bella would.
Life’s not fair.