Epilogue: An Occasion
We begin with Bella being helped into Edward’s car in a fancy dress and leg cast. She is wearing one stiletto heel with her leg cast, which means she is obviously not as clumsy as she claims to be. We get the back story that Alice helped Bella get ready, and that Charlie has been angry with Edward since their return to Forks because he blames Edward for the accident.
Charlie gives Ed a ring because, back at the Swan house, Tyler is waiting for Bella to take her to prom. Edward speaks with him and tells him “back off, bastard, Bella is mine.” Bella finally figures out they are going to prom and she starts crying because she is so mad. Edward assures her she’ll have fun because the other Cullens will be there. Bella finds out that Charlie was in on the plan and continues to be stubborn and emo and acts like a 5-year-old.
They arrive at the school and Edward takes Bella into the gym, where prom is happening. The Cullens are *gracefully* and *beautifully* dancing in the middle of the floor. Bella continues to bitch, so Edward puts her on top of his feet and they waltz effortlessy together.
But ALAS! Their night CANNOT be THAT perfect because Jacob Black appears out of nowhere. Jacob approaches them and asks to cut in so he can talk to Bella. Bella notices that this ‘boy’ has grown almost 6 inches since she first met him. They sway awkwardly, and Jacob admits his father paid him $20 to come to the prom and warn Bella against dating the Cullens. He also admits to having a thing for Bella. The message from Billy is that he wants Bella to break up with Edward, please. Bella assures him that Edward was not the cause of the accident in Phoenix but, in fact, saved her life. Jacob tells her that Billy also wants Bella to understand that *air quotes* “We’ll be watching”. Bella chuckles and says ‘thanks.’ but could give two shits less.
The song ends, Jacob leaves, and Edward swoops back in, seeming upset that Jacob called Bella ‘pretty’. The dynamic duo continue to dance as Bella studies the room and its occupants. In a sweet, old fashion, Edward twirls Bella outside and into some some shrubbery where they stare up at the moon together. He explains that he brought her to prom because he doesn’t want her to miss any part of her human life… Bella is not impressed.
Edward wants to know where Bella thought they were going before she figured out they were going to the prom. Embarassed, Bella admits that she thought she was going to a ceremony where he would turn her into a vampire – which is (apparently) a black tie affair. Edward teases her a bit and bends over and kisses her on the throat, the cheeky bastard. THE END
Best Worst Lines
“Would I ever get used to his perfection?” (481)
“‘Do you want me to bolt the doors so you can massacre the unsuspecting townsfolk?’ I whispered conspiritorially.” (487)
“It sounded like something from a mafia movie. I laughed out loud.” (492)
(*gasp* PROFANITY) ”‘…butt the hell out.’” (492)
“And he leaned down to press his cold lips, once more, to my throat.” (498)
Things That Really Irk Us
Bella is still dumb, emo, etc. Formal wear for a ‘vampire changing’ ceremony? Really?
For Bella being so clumsy, we’re impressed she can hobble around on one stiletto.
The fact that Bella makes it a point to ask Jacob how tall he is. Why do we care? (6’2″ is the answer, by the way.)
Go us for finishing! Unfortunately for Stephenie Meyer, we still think she sucks. Unfortunately for us, lots of people think she is good and, therefore, we must chug along. CHOO CHOO! FOL.Start in on “New Moon” with us.