22. Fire and Ice
Of course, hiding Bella away in the hills can’t go off without a hitch. A freak winter storm blows through, and Bella is freezing. So cold that she’s tucked into her sleeping bag fully clothed, teeth chattering. Edward (who is sitting as far away from her as possible so as not to get too close with his marbly-cold skin) tries to convince her to leave their hiding spot before she freezes to death. But Bella insists she’s “f-f-f-f-fine” and says she doesn’t want to ruin the master plan. Outside, Jacob is whining, but not from the cold. The dumb mutt is worried about Bella.
Jacob and Edward have a little convo that we only hear half of, since the other half is in Jacob’s mind. Jacob apparently wants Edward to run Bella out of the woods. Edward wants Jacob to go run and get a space heater. And this gives Jacob an idea.
Jacob morphs and comes inside the tent (shirtless, as usual), and suggests that he act as a human (or, half-human) space heater for Bella. Jacob starts unzipping Bella’s sleeping bag, and a snarling Edward is there in a jiffy to angrily pull him back. But don’t get too excited – they only fight with their words (darn). Jacob insists this is the best way for Bella to hang on to all 10 of her toes.
Despite Bella’s protests, Jacob slides into the sleeping bag with her. He’s clearly enjoying himself, and acting like a bit of a dick. But we kinda like it; it’s pissing Eddie-kins off. Bella stops arguing as soon as she realizes how warm Jake is. Jacob jokes that Bella would get warmer even faster if she were naked. Edward, of course, does not agree, and notes how insanely jealous he is of Jacob right now. We like how Bella doesn’t really talk at all during this exchange, except to stutter a bit through chattering teeth. This is how she should always be – silent.
Bella begins getting warm snuggling up to Jake. She kicks off her shoes to warm her toes up, and smells Jacob a bit, noting his “musky” scent. Weirdo. Who smells their friends? Then she asks him a burning question – how come he’s so much furrier than his friends?? Duh, Bella, it’s because his real-person hair is longer. He grew it out for her. (Gag. He shouldn’t have; that wig they give him in the movies is truly terrible.) Before she starts dozing off, Bella notes that this kind of reminds her of the early days with Jacob – when he was her “sun.”
The boys clearly think Bella is conked out, and start talking. Edward asks Jacob to stop thinking dirty thoughts about Bella, and Jacob tells Ed to get the hell out of his mind. Jacob then points out that Bella could still change her mind – afterall, Jacob could have sex with her and not break her in half.
Then they have a little heart-to-heart. Jacob asks Edward about the jealousy – how can he stand seeing Bella with another guy? Edward explains it isn’t easy, especially when Bella’s out of his sight (i.e. with Jacob). He admits that he knows Bella thinks about Jacob a lot, but that he’s decided to be patient with her because he knows it was hurting her to force her to choose between her two mythical boys. Jacob says he knows Bella is in love with both him AND Eddie – but she just hasn’t realized it yet. Edward can neither confirm nor deny this, since he can’t use his sweet vampy mind powers on his girlfriend.
Next they chat about that one time when Edward left Bella. Edward finds it “difficult” to bring the subject up, but explains to Jacob that he did it for Bella’s sake, and that it tore him apart inside. He only wanted her to be happy. Jacob can see this, and can also tell that Edward doesn’t really want to turn Bella into a bloodsucker. But we know how selfish Bella can be, and we also know how great guilt-tripping works on Edward. In the end, Jacob concedes and admits he can see how much Edward loves Bella. (Gag. We were really hoping for a fight, not a friendly truce!) But he also begs Edward to give him another year to woo Bella; to give her that full human life. What if Bella DID chose Jacob? Edward claims he would let her go. But he would still stalk the shit out of her, just in case.
The boys decide they’ve done enough bonding for one night, and Edward warns Jacob not to try anything funny. Mr. I-Never-Sleep will be watching. Then Edward starts humming Bella’s lullaby in the corner, and Bella (who has been in a groggy half-sleep state this whole time so that we could sufficiently eavesdrop) finally dozes off.
Best Worst Lines
“‘I’ll have you sweating in no time.’” (Bow chicka bow wow.)
“It was already warm and snug inside the sleeping bag. Jacob’s body heat seemed to radiate from every side — maybe because there was so much of him.”
“‘You know, Jacob, if it weren’t for the fact that we’re natural enemies and that you’re also trying to steal away the reason for my existence, I might actually like you.’
‘Maybe… if you weren’t a disgusting vampire who was planning to suck out the life of the girl I love… well, no, not even then.’” (503)
Things That Really Irk Us
The “Fire and Ice” thing. The only lamer, more obvious juxtaposition we can think of is if Bella had to choose between Good and Evil. Ugh.
The fact that Jacob uses his body heat to warm up Bella (and, by default, make Edward insanely jealous) is actually kind of amusing to us. But we are irked by how Bella’s all, “Get out, Jake, I don’t want — oooo, you’re big and brown and warm. Let’s cuddle.” Stupid, annoying Bella.
Wait, let’s amend that — we are irked by the fact that there is a fucking SNOWSTORM in JUNE that requires Jacob to zip himself into the sleeping bag with Bella in the first place. We’re in the NORTHERN hemisphere here, SMeyer. Perhaps you are confused?
The fact that there’s no fight!!! Any NORMAL guy who watches another guy — an enemy, mind you – canoodling with his girl insode a cozy nylon sack would at least throw a punch. But nooo… Instead, the boys have a nice little heart-to-heart and wind up pseudo bffers because they agree that Bella loves them both. Laaame.
Oh, and the dialogue. Ugh. It hurtsss.
Have we called other chapters “the most pointless chapter so far”? Probably. But this one’s right up there with them. The only redeeming quality about it is the fact that Bella remains mostly silent throughout. Unfortunately, her silence is filled up by Eddie-kins and Jacob having some heartfelt, completely action-less bonding time. Which is super dumb and boring. We hope Bella gets too hot snuggled up to Jake and suffers heat stroke.Go to Chapter 23.