27. Travel Plans
If Bella were a thread in Fate’s loom, she would be crimson or a shiny, glistening gold. The family tapestry woven around her would be pretty colors too — the werewolves would be earthy tones with woodsy colors. (Why we care about this, we have no idea.) A lot of people have gotten sucked into the “Bella Vortex” as of late: Sue and Leah Clearwater, for example, have befriended Claude to help him get through the discovery of werewolves and vampires in Forks. But all in all, the most dominant pattern in Bella’s tapestry is happiness. (Gag.)
Let’s take it back a bit, shall we? A couple of months have passed, so we obviously need one of Bella’s detailed recaps.
Jasper still hovers over Bella because he’s jealous of her SWEET super power that involves NOT eating people. This annoys the shit out of Bella (almost as much as her being “alive” annoys everybody who reads this series).
Bella goes on to tell us about her new life in the most boring of ways and then gets all “metaphorical” with the fabric of her life, blah, blah, blah and then we learn that Renesmee spoke her first words: “Momma,” at the tender age of one week. This was shortly followed by sentences such as “Where is Claude and his sweet-ass mustache?” Then, at 3 weeks old, Renesmee walked with the fairy-like nimbleness of Alice. Point: Renesmee grows hella fast.
But wait… because Bella and Edward have this odd connection through ‘classic’ literature like Wuthering Heights and Romeo and Juliet, of COURSE Bella would be reading her 3-month-old Tennyson, and OF COURSE her child would pick it up and start reading it herself.
While all of this intellectual growth is occurring, Eddie-kins and Carlizzle are planning a trip to Brazil to check records of possible previous half human/half sparklepire bastards to find out what happened to THEM. (Like, do they hit old age and die after a couple of years?)
BOOM! Bella’s world comes crashing down around her! (Yes, the transition does occur this quickly with absolutely NO relevance to what is going on in the chapter.) Aro had sent an extravagant wedding present to Edward and Bella — much to Bella’s surprise. Alice had sent out wedding announcements and Aro can’t WAIT to meet the newest sparklepire to join the Cullen clan. (Oh yes, let’s not forget the extravagant gift was a bunch of crown jewels from King John of England.) Clearly, the Volturi haven’t forgotten about Eddie’s yummy-smelling play-thing.
Bella decides that she is the bestest ever at keeping secrets, so she’ll go see Aro herself to protect Renesmee. Edward doesn’t like this plan, but Alice promises to keep an “eye” on things, and Carlizzle plans to travel with Bella as far as London, and be relatively close by if she needs him. (He was a part of Aro’s posse for a while, so he could always smooth out anything that might come up.) They buy the plane tickets and prepare for the trip.
Bella goes on one last hunting trip with Jacob and Renesmee before heading off to Italy. Bella and Jacob get in a bit of a tiff over Jacob’s schooling — after all, her baby is reading Tennyson at 3 months old! She isn’t going to be with someone without a GED! But then the snow distracts them and before we know it Nessie and Jacob are frolicking and chasing after the biggest flakes!
SURPRISE! Bella uses her sweet sparkly senses and spots another sparklepire across the meadow full of buttery sunshine and way up in the mountains. And it ISN’T a Cullen! Uh-Oh!
No worries though… it’s just Irina. Although, she’s still pissed about Bella hanging out with the werewolves that killed her fuck buddy, Laurent. GRRRR (she said with her top lip snarled back over her teeth). Bella tries some apologetic hand gestures, but they just seem to piss Irina off even more. Irina catches a glimpse of Jacob in wolf-form playing with Renesmee, and she takes off into the mountains with her grumpy-pants on.
Bella calls Carlizzle to tell him what went down, just in case she’s stirred something up, and Eddie-kins is at her side immediately. Carlizzle decides Irina is just grieving (she did, after all, just see Jacob), and he’s going to go after her to try and talk things out.
Best Worst Lines
“I took mythology a lot more seriously since I’d become a vampire.” (525)
“Sue seemed to have taken it on herself to smooth Charlie’s transition into the world of make-believe.” (Oooh do they ride the little red trolley and go visit Daniel Striped Tiger in his giant clock??)
“And I was euphoric the vast majority of the time. The days were not long enough for me to get my fill of adoring my daughter; the nights did not have enough hours to satisfy my need for Edward.” (527) (Gop, Rop, O, Sop, Sop = GROSS. Plus, her days are not full of Renesmee; Jacob and Rosalie’s are.)
“There was a flipside to the joy, though. If you turned the fabric of our lives over, I imagined the design on the backside would be woven in the bleak grays of doubt and fear.”
“The way he was tied to her made his own reactions secondary; his first reflex was always to give Renesmee whatever she needed. But our eyes met, and I saw all the panic in mine echoed in his. I made my hands clap together, too, trying to hide my fear from her. Edward applauded quietly at my side, and we didn’t need to speak our thoughts to know they were the same.” (Are they thinking about how Jacob will be getting poon from their daughter within the next year? Yea.. we thought so.)
Things That Really Irk Us
Bella keeps explaining how Renesmee’s mind keeps growing insanely fast while her body lags behind a bit. She points out that in four years her daughter will be full grown and by 15 she will be an old woman. This makes no sense as she is a vampire — right? She has special powers and likes to bite stuff, yet SMeyer never exactly explains what characteristics are vampire and which ones are human. Fail.
Bella is thinking about biting her daughter and turning her to keep her from aging once she hits adulthood. (See above comment.)
Once again, the way that any remote “theme” to this chapter (along with every other) is abruptly changed from paragraph to paragraph without any type of transition or introduction. It’s like being around someone with severe ADHD that is not on meds and gets — oh look! A sparklepire!
There’s obviously no conflict in Bella’s life, so SMeyer has taken it upon herself to randomly introduce an old character (Irina) two books after her Laurent has been killed. Grasping at straws much?
Ugh. So where did we get ‘travel plans’ much in this chapter? Oh yeah! That one sentence in the last paragraph of a pointless chapter.
How about Bella and Edward take a trip to the moon to see if they can be immortal in space?Go to Chapter 28.