We’ve finally made it to the last book. It only took us 8 months! We are in NO WAY looking forward to this last installment, especially after all the warnings we’ve received over the course of this project. We know there will be sexy time (that we know won’t actually be described), angst, a mutant baby, more angst, much oogling and canoodling, a fangboy cesarian section, still more angst, pedophilia, and, oh yeah, angst. And a likely sappy, happy ending in which no loose ends will be tied up and everything will be explained away under the banner of true love.
And did we mention the fact that this moster has 39 chapters? Divided into three “Books,” with the middle one being written, once again, from Jacob’s perspective? We can’t say we’re looking forward to that. But we do plan on coming up with some creative chapter titles, since SMeyer’s attempts during ”Book Two” read like mini novellas themselves. (For example, chapter 17 is titled: “17. What Do I Look Like? The Wizard Of Oz? You Need A Brain? You Need A Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have.” … We wish we were joking. Really, we do.)
But before that lovely section of wasted trees, we’ve gotta get through Book One. Are you ready? We’re not sure that we are.
Here we go.
SMeyer calls her agent a ninja. That right there should alert people to her lack of credibility as a real adult, let alone a writer of any sort.
Also, she thanks Muse. This is NOT OKAY.
Then there’s some weird Edna St. Vincent Millay quote about childhood.
SURPRISE! For the fourth time in a preface, Bella is staring death in the face. But wait! This time is very different. Why? Because, this time, it’s no monster or enemy — it’s a loved one threatening her life. What can she do? How can she fight? She can’t of course. All she can do is give her life to her “beloved.”
Our reaction? It’s about time.Go to Chapter 1.